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The Long John Index

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Kharma
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« on: January 15, 2011, 01:12:44 pm »

The Long John Index is a 'not-scientific-whatsoever' method of measuring when, and if, one should be wearing a pair of thermal long underwear, known more commonly in the Dominion of Canada as 'Long Johns”. The Long John Index originated in the Arctic Capital of Edmonton Alberta, in the second decade of the 21rst Century. It is used mainly for 'edutainment' and gambling purposes.

The Index runs on a scale from 1 to 5; 1 being the lowest, and 5 being the highest. The Index corresponds to weather conditions, including air temperature as well as that Wind Chill, which was invented so people can brag about living through -68 degrees, even though it was really only -31 degrees. The Higher the number ( or rating if you will ) the more your very survival depends on wearing a pair of Long Johns.


The Long John Index ratings are as follows:

1. Low/Wimpy - Temperatures between 0 and - 10 degrees Celsius, with no windchill.
Long Johns shouldn’t be needed, unless one is spending 7+ hours outside with no touque and standing so still they might be mistaken for one of those creepy living mannequins. Any movement will generate enough body heat to not need Long Johns. Hell, blinking will generate enough body heat to keep you warm. If you are wearing them at this temperature, hang your head in shame, and go back to Vancouver.

2. Moderate - Temperature between 0 and - 10 Celsius, with measurable Wind chill.
Long Johns probably a good idea if you are spending more than an hour or so outdoors. You shouldn’t need them for short commutes or jaywalking. Probably best to start diggin em out of the ol underpants drawer, as if it gets any colder, you’ll need em!

3. High - Temperature between - 10 and - 20 Celsius.
Long Johns should be worn for being outdoors for anything more than half-an-hour. You may also want to look into some for your pets. And, if it gets any colder, you may start sleeping in these things, so best to get a backup pair.

4. Crazy High - Temperature between - 20 and - 30 Celsius.
Long Johns should be worn if you are outdoors for more than 10 minutes. It’s bleeping cold. If you aren’t wearing any, you’ll get that freezing, yet for some reason burning, sensation on your upper thighs. That’s your thigh’s way of freaking out wondering why it’s so cold. Your thighs hate you right now.

5. Effin Nuts - Temperatures of - 30 and worse. Windchill no longer matters.
Long Johns should be worn INDOORS. Don’t even bother going outdoors. Don’t even look at the outdoors, unless you have Long Johns for your eyes. It’s that cold. Just grab some comic books and some hot chocolate and go back to bed. When it’s nice out, someone will tell you.


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Kharma
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« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2011, 01:14:38 pm »

January 15, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast

'If you live in Vancouver, don't talk to people in Winnipeg today'.

Vancouver - NA
Kelowna - NA
Fort McMurray - 5
Edmonton, Calgary, Saskatoon, Regina, Biggar - 4
Winnipeg - 5
Churchill - 4
Thunder Bay - 3
Stratford, Peterborough - 2
Toronto, Sarnia - 1
Ottawa - 3
Montreal, Quebec City - 3
Halifax, Moncton, Charlottetown, St. Johns - 1
Whitehorse, Yellowknife - 5
Iqaluit - 3
Alert - 5
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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2011, 01:34:45 pm »

 Grin I love Effin Nuts.
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« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2011, 09:36:09 am »

 Grin  Afro



January 17, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast.


Its Colder in Ottawa than it is Edmonton! Stephen Harper's hair will be extra stiff today!

Vancouver - 0 ( rain rain rain rain rain to be followed by more rain, with extra rain)
Kelowna - 0
Fort McMurray - 5! Bleepin Nuts! ( with windchill its - 43 C)
Edmonton, Calgary, Vulcan - 4
Saskatoon, Regina, Biggar - 4
Winnipeg - 3 ( but getting colder. Oops)
Thunder and Lighning Bay - 2
Stratford - 3
Toronto - 3
Ottawa - 4
Quebec City, Montreal - 4
Moncton - 3
Charlottetown - 3
Halifax - 3
Labrador City - 4
St. John's - 2 ( With Wind gusts up to 63 km/hr. Yikes!)
Whitehorse - 4
Yellowknife - 5
Inuvik - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - Technically a 4, but wind drops the temperature more than 10 degrees, so we'll say a 5.
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« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2011, 10:00:43 am »

January 18, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast


Oh Winnipeg. You can have the day off today.

Vancouver - NA (Not applicable)
Kelowna - NA
Fort McMurray, Newfoundland - 4
Edmonton &  Calgary - 3
Biggar, Saskatoon and Regina - 4
Winterpeg - 5! Minus 45 degrees with the Windchill!   Ack!
Dangerbay - 3
Walter Gretzky's House - NA
Toronto - NA
Ottawa - 3
Quebec City and Montreal - 3
Moncton, Charlottetown, Halifax - 3
Labrador City - 4
St. John's - 2
Whitehorse - 4
Yellowknife - 5
Inuvik - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 3
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« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2011, 11:29:15 am »

 Shocked My poor kid.
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« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2011, 10:31:57 am »

January 19, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast



Only 3 metro areas with a Long John Index of 5 today. Bo-ring!

Vancouver - 1
Fort McMurray, NFLD - 5
Edmonton - 2
Calgary - 2
Saskatoon - 4
Regina - 3
Dog River -3
Winnipeg - 4
Danger (Thunder) Bay - 4
North Hamilton (Toronto) - 2
Ottawa - 3
Quebec City - 2
Montreal - 2
Halifax, Fredericton, Charlottetown, St. John's - NA
Whitehorse - 5
Yellowknife - 5
Alert - 4
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« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2011, 12:26:31 pm »

January 20, 2011

Warming Trend in Albera stops in its Tracks at the AB/Sask Border. Lloydminster must be so confused. Chilly in Eastern and Atlantic Canada too! Labrador City is a 5 This morning!

Vancouver - NA but sunny! KIDDING! More Rain
Kelowna - 1
Fort McMurray, Newfoundland - 4 ( - 39 C windchill though)
Edmonton, Calgary - 3 ( Warming up)
Saskatoon, Regina, Dog River - 5 ( Warming up too)
Winnipeg - 4 . No warming for You!
Danger (aka Thunder) Bay - 3
Peterborough - 4
Toronto, Ottawa - 3
Quebec City, Montreal - 3
Moncton, Charlottetown, Halifax - 2
Rick Mercer's Private Maritime Island - 2
Labrador City - 5
St. John's - NA
Whitehorse - 4
Yellowknife - 5
Inuvik - 5 ( - 36 C this morning!)
Alert, Top of Canada - 5
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« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2011, 09:45:09 am »

January 21


Its snowing down east! Polar Bear Alert for you Eastern and Maritime Canada! Cold on the Prairies, except for Calgary. That would explain that faint "yee hawwing" you've heard.

Vancouver, Kelowna - NA
Fort McMurray, Newfoundland - 4
Edmonton - 2
Calgary - NA
Saskatoon - 3
Regina - 2
Biggar - 3
Winnipeg - 4
Thunder (Danger!) Bay - 5
Sarnia - 3
Toronto - 1 (Bo-ring!)
Ottawa, Montreal, Quebec City - 3
Moncton- 3
Green Gables - 2
Charlottetown - 2
St. John's - 1
Whitehorse - 4
Yellowknife - 5
Inuvik - 5
Iqaluit - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 5


... ** And 'The Polar Bear Alert?'

Polar Bears are very common in Canada during the winter months. Due to copious amounts of snow in Canada, the Polar Bears use their white fur as camouflage, which allows them to sneak up on unsuspecting, Tim Hortons guzzling canucks.

Polar Bear Alerts are issued when during snowfall or blizzard conditions, which give Polar Bears an extra stealthy advantage.   Roll Eyes

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« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2011, 02:19:13 pm »

January 22 Daytime Forecast

Summertime in BC and Alberta. Wintertime in the rest of Canada. This is why there is an Eastern Bias.

Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary - NA
Fort McMurray, Newfoundland- 3
Saskatoon - 2
Regina - 3
Pilot Butte - 3
Winnipeg - 4
Danger Bay - 4
Giant Nickel - 4
Toronto - 2
Ottawa - 3
Montreal, Quebec City - 3
Halifax, Moncton, Aunt Hetty's farm - 3
Labrador City -3
St. John's - NA
Whitehorse - NA?
Yellowknife - 4
Inuvik - 5
Iqaliut - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 4
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« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2011, 03:18:40 pm »

Damn I thought it was colder than that I can't get warm.
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« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2011, 07:32:51 am »

I'm with you on that  Shocked  As far as I'm concerned its a '5' ... Grin
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« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2011, 10:54:29 am »

January 24, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast
Eastern and Western Canada seem to have traded Winters. If it snows any more in Edmonton, we hope they call the Army.

*Long John Index based on Daytime High

Vancouver, Kelowna, Fort McMurray, Edmonton, Calgary, Vulcan - NA ( Not Applicable)
Saskatoon, Regina, New York is Big but This is Biggar - 2
Winnipeg - 3
Thunder ( Danger ) Bay - 3
Stratford - 1
Peterborough - 3
Toronto - 2
Ottawa - 3
Quebec City - 3
Montreal - 4
Moncton, Charlottetown, Halifax - 3
Labrador City - 4
St. John's - 1
Whitehorse - NA
Yellowknife - 4
Inuvik - 5
Alert, Top of Canada - 5
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« Reply #13 on: January 26, 2011, 10:35:50 am »

January 26, 2011 - Canada Wide Forecast
Still unseasonally warm on the Dominion. Even in Winnipeg! No 5's anywhere! Bo-Ring!

Vancouver, Kelowna, Edmonton, Calgary, Vulcan, Grande Prairie, Fort McMurray, Saskatoon, Regina, Biggar - ALL of them NA ( Not applicable)
Winnipeg - 1
Thunder (Danger) Bay - 3
Peterborough - 1
Walter Gretzky's House - 1
Toronto - 1
Ottawa - 2
Quebec City - 3
Montreal - 2
Moncton, Halifax, Charlottetown - 1
Labrador City - 4 ( Finally!)
Goose Bay - 4
St John's - 1
Whitehorse - NA
Yellowknife - 3
Inuvik - 4
Iqaluit - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 5
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« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2011, 08:45:35 am »

There actually might be more NA's than Long John Indexes in Canada today. Thankfully, it looks like the country will be colder tomorrow! Mitten High Five!

Vancouver, Edmonton, Grande Prairie, Fort McMurray, Calgary, Saskatoon, Regina, Jaw of Moose - NA
Winterpeg - 3
Thunder Bay - 1
Toronto, Ottawa, Quebec City, Montreal, Moncton - 1
Halifax, Charlottetown, St John's - NA
Whitehorse - 1
Yellowknife - 3
Inuvik - 4
Iqaliut - 4
Alert, Top of Canada - 5
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