Laugh of The Day

[Kharma]

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.
In its place was a silver screw. All the Doctors told his mother that there was nothing that they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed .. . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'

[Kharma]

In the traffic court a young lady was brought before the judge  to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

[Kharma]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

[Kharma]

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom...
..., decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lu****lly. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

[Kharma]

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For Heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the darn porridge yet!"

[Kharma]

Interesting Year 1981:
Prince Charles got married
Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005:
Prince Charles got married
Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
Australia lost the Ashes tournament
Pope Died

Lesson Learned - The next time Charles gets married... Someone warn the Pope.

[Kharma]

If you can start the day without caffeine...
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

[Kharma]

Two nerds are riding along on a tandem bike...
..., when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.

The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"

The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."

So the one in the back has had enough. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.

"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"

[Kharma]

3 year old wisdom
The 3 year old pre-schooler brought a tiny, white feather in to the teacher. "That's a down feather," she explained. There's lots of those to keep the bird warm when it's cold, just like your pullover."

Another little one then asked, "What do you call the feathers birds fly with?"

"Um… I don't know," said the teacher.

As quick as a flash the first child said scornfully, "Up feathers, of course."

[Kharma]

Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says...

... “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we don’t serve ropes in here.”

Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.”

The barkeep says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

 

[Kharma]

Would you dare ...

Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.

Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".

Call a political candidate’s campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacy.

Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.

When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back.
(Whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)

Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.

Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.

Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.

Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.

Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.

[Kharma]

A guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.

The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

Each bear was carrying a beaver.