Laugh of The Day

[Admin]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Kharma]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want". The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway."

[Admin]

Never a Divorce

The happy couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. The society reporter asked, "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?"

"Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that," the husband replied.

"Murder sometimes," the wife offered "but never divorce."

[Kharma]

Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You :
 

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.

Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

[Kharma]

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. “Someone printed out the whole thing?!?"

[Kharma]

Facts You Should Know About Men


1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

5. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

6. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

7. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

8. All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

9. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

10. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

11. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

12. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”

13. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

14. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

15. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

16. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

20. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”

21. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget… he didn’t lose your number… he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.

22. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.

23. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

24. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

25. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

26. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened

[Kharma]

Flat-Lined!

I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. 

Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. 

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

[Kharma]

Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.”

The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.”

The last man said, “I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, he’s moving!’”

[Kharma]

For Trade: One 16 year old who knows everything.
Except:

How to cook.
How to clean.
How to manage money.
How to wipe up spilled water.
How to drive.
How to write a check.
How to answer a phone.
How to do math’s.
How to be polite.
How gas is paid for.
How cell phone bills are paid.
How to work the can opener.
How to sweep, dust or vacuum. How to make a bed.
How to do laundry.
How dictatorships work.
How to stop talking.
How to get a job.
How important it is to finish high school.
How the world actually works.

She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to know in life??

I’d like to trade her in. For a puppy.

[Kharma]

Our Town Is So Small...

Our city limits signs are both on the same post!

The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell

The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch
 
The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2

The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions
 
The phone book has only one page
 
There's nothing doing every minute

The ZIP code was a fraction

Second Street is in the next town over

There's no place to go that you shouldn't
 
A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
 
The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog

The New Year's baby was born in October

[Kharma]

For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.

 "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"

[Kharma]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies


Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
 
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
 
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
 Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
 
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Kharma]

Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case
which read, "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was flustered and at her wit's end. At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the record,

"Wounded in the woods."

[Kharma]

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience.
... raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"


Answers called out ranged from 8oz. To 20oz.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."

"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."
"In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. "

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow."
"Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested.

 ... And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

[Kharma]

The She-Devil's Guide to Diving a Man Crazy


Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
Organize his workshop, office, or other sacred place.
'Accidentally fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side
Donate his precious cell phone to a homeless person who "Needs it more then he does.
Have your mother fly in for a month long visit  unannounced.
Reverse his contact lenses in their case
Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother whom he hates.
Replace the fresh batteries of the control with dead ones each day.
Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of its favorite treats.
Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each day.
Insist on a lot of 'Meaningful conversations.'